Young women are still implicitly taught that the only way to succeed is
to find a husband and fulfill our "princess" role, as Rashida Jones
once called it.
Of course, the assumption is that without that overly expensive
wedding, the flashy diamond ring, women
are somehow not whole. There's still a presumption that there is some
clear-cut divide between "single" and "taken," as Ann Friedman aptly noted at
Talking Points Memo.
These are the myths we need to stop telling women about marriage.
A. Women need to get married
to achieve true happiness
Long seen as the
pinnacle of achievement in a young woman's life, marriage is not a golden
ticket to happiness. Yes, some studies find marriage to be positively correlated with well-being. But the truth is that happiness
is circumstantial and depends mostly on who
you're with, not the institution itself.
"We each have a
baseline of happiness, and marriage on average isn't going to change that —
except for that little blip," Bella M. DePaulo, author of the book Singled
Out, told WebMD, referring to a study that found married couples see a small spike in happiness after the wedding.
More importantly, there are so many things that contribute to a
person's happiness: fulfilling careers, relationships, family, hobbies and lifelong
friends, to name only a few.
B. Women are better off
financially if they settle down early
If being single
can feel expensive, then you might assume this myth to be true: The sooner a
woman marries, the sooner she becomes financially secure. But according to
"Knot Yet: The Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage," a 2013 study sponsored by the National Campaign to
Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, women who are 30 or older when they first
marry have higher average salaries than women who marry before 30 (as much as
$18,000 more).
That's because
delaying marriage affords women the time and opportunity to find financial
security and a career path on their own. Turns out young women don't need partners
to bankroll their life.
C. If you don't get married
before 30, it will be too late
No, women do not
have expiration dates after which they become un-weddable. In fact, being
unmarried by 30 is actually more common than not: The median
age for first marriage is now at a
record high of 27 for women and 29 for men (versus in 1960, when the median first
marriage age was 20 and 23, respectively). As Pew Research Center noted, "Today, just 20% of adults ages 18 to 29 are married,
compared with 59% in 1960." Getting married
after 30 is indeed possible, so we can put aside the idea of the spinster covered in cats. Just ask Tina Knowles.
D. Successful women can't also have successful marriages
Characters like Miranda Priestly would
suggest that a woman who attempts to juggle a high-powered career can't
possibly keep a family and marriage in the air, too. But we know that's
just not true, even if women are working as much as men. Today, women
are racking up about the same 55 hours of work a week as their husbands.
Women's achievements don't weaken a marriage. If anything, they bring
more to the table.
E. Most other women your age are getting married
The persistent recurrence of engagement season —
with diamond rings and "He proposed!" statuses cluttering your Facebook
– is enough to give any woman the perception that she is the only one
her age not getting married. However, according to
the Bureau of Labor Statistics, singles now outnumber married adults in
America. In 2014, 50.2% of American adults were single, a record high.
Don't give in to the social media hype – peer pressure went out of style
in middle school.
F. You'll know you've met the "one" when you want to marry them
Historically, marriages have been about merging
property and stabilizing family ties. It was only in the last few decades that
romantically oriented, egalitarian marriages have been in vogue. Besides, marriage is a lot more than
knowing if someone is the "one true love." Never-married
women are looking for someone with similar ideas on raising children, a steady
job and the same moral or religious beliefs. Healthy relationships are about more than finding a "soul mate."
G. The best way to celebrate marriage is a fancy wedding
The average American wedding now costs $31,213. But the couples
celebrating their nuptials in a public garden might have the right idea: Studies indicate that couples who
spend less on their wedding have a lower risk of divorce. The same holds true
for couples who get hitched sans the expensive diamond rings. Ultimately,
weddings should be about the lifelong commitment to someone, not the party that
legalizes it. Break out the PBR.
